Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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