my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
