New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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