we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
