dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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