it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
