I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
