we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am naked and annoyed.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
