Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
