You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
