matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
