I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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