i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
