Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
