theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
