I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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