Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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