Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
