I puked a lego.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
