Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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