I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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