please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
