I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
