I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
