somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
