I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
