Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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