omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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