My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
