I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
