She bit a glass in half.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
