saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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