bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
