So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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