Your face is a jimmy john
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
