ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
