im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
