i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
