Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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