Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
