i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
