Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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