Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
