RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
