I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
