we're chasing vodka with high fives
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
