i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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