I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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