we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
