I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
